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Home Entertainment Center => Comedy Gold => Topic started by: Mac on August 15, 2011, 09:36:29 am


Title: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on August 15, 2011, 09:36:29 am
Only the best ones go here...

The Angry Blonde

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"

Funeral Costs

Billy died.... His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle.
"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Joyce. "Thirty thousand dollars."
"No!" Jonelle exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500.. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"
Joyce answered, "Two and a half carats!”
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on August 15, 2011, 06:19:43 pm
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land to China!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . .. . I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on August 15, 2011, 06:39:02 pm
AN ELDERLY ITALIAN CATHOLIC GENTLEMAN
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy ,
went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the
panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."
 The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.
 
 

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on September 08, 2011, 08:23:50 am
If you should contract the Swine Flu, don't worry, you can use some Oinkment
















(http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a384/themarbleintheoatmeal/smilies/thhysterical.gif) whooboy, I kill myself
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on September 08, 2011, 01:20:09 pm
Area husband pretends to give a sh*t

(http://recoilmag.com/news/grfx/area_husband_pretends_0702.jpg)

Lafayette, Ga. – Attempting to pacify his wife Jena's incessant desire for verbal interaction, area husband Chris Woodman pretended to give a **** Tuesday as his wife of six years initiated and dominated a series of prolonged dialogues regarding an array of unrelated, unimportant subjects.

According to Woodman, the thoroughly pointless conversation - which comprehensively detailed his wife's work day, lunch experience, plans for the evening and friend's relationship difficulties - took place in the living room of the couple's Lafayette home at approximately 6 p.m., shortly after Woodman began watching television in an effort to unwind from work.

"I love my wife, but Jesus, does she like to talk sometimes," said Woodman, 30, who works as a field technician for a local civil engineering firm. "I wanted to just come home [from work] and chill out for awhile, but Jena immediately launches into these long, boring stories about what happened at work and what's going on with a friend of hers and a bunch of other stuff. I just tried to act like I was paying attention and hoped it wouldn't go on too long."

Occasionally retorting with such all-purpose conversation perpetuators as "That's nice, honey" and "No kidding? Huh," Woodman pretended to give a **** about his wife's exhaustively detailed personal accounts until just after 6:45 p.m., when Jena was forced to interrupt the one-sided exchange to receive a telephone call from her longtime friend Nelly Smith.

"Saved by the bell, I guess you'd say," Woodman jokingly explained, adding that he used the brief interruption to exit the room and seek solace behind some cardboard boxes in the basement, where he remained for several hours.

Woodman acknowledged that although the lengthy, expendable conversation depleted a good amount of his after-work leisure time, the 45 minutes spent maintaining a convincing, give-a-**** veneer was not a complete waste.

"I was able to give some thought to a few things I hadn't had time for," said Woodman, who admitted to mentally drifting light-years away from his wife's inane banter. "While Jena was busy carrying on about God-knows-what, I was trying to figure out the significance of a couple of scenes from the movie Memento, which we had rented a few nights back. I think I've got most of [the plot] figured out now."

"I pretend to give a **** because I care."
In addition to analyzing the storyline of the 2001 feature, Woodman mentally planned the couple's upcoming camping trip and also reminisced about his 1996 bachelor party weekend in Las Vegas - all the while remembering to nod, say "Yeah," and display other characteristics indicative of a person who is giving a ****.

Woodman said he often pretends to give a **** about what his wife says.

"Somebody - a guy - once told me that women tend to work things out in their heads by talking things out, so most of the time it isn't really necessary to listen to everything a woman says," said Woodman. "It's been my experience that the theory usually holds true. So I tend to just keep my mouth shut and let her talk herself out."

Added Woodman: "Besides, if something's really important to her, I'll pick up on it right away because she'll be yelling. Then it's time to get involved in what I'm sure she feels is an extremely important conversation."

After six years of marriage, Woodman said he feels that his willingness to pretend to give a **** about what his wife says is vital to the health of their relationship.

"If I didn't sit there in total silence, staring off into the distance but occasionally grunting out an 'Oh yeah?' or a "No kidding,' Jena would probably start to think we have a communication problem," said Woodman. "Sure, I could just walk out of the room when she starts barking out her meaningless ramblings, but that would be equivalent to just coming right out and saying that she's boring me."

"I pretend to give a **** because I care," Woodman added.
July 2002

From Recoil (http://recoilmag.com/area-husband-pretends-to-give-a-****-2/)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on September 15, 2011, 01:41:47 pm
The Bank Robber

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Golden Meadow , and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Cajun customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.
There are a few moments of silence, then Boudreaux looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think my wife, Marie, peeked"...
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on September 27, 2011, 07:45:04 am
The Drunkin' Cowboy

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy what's your name?'
'Fred,' the cowboy moaned.
'Where ya from, Fred?' asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied.... "the balcony..."

Chicken and the Egg

A chicken goes to Las Vegas for a convention. After checking in, he goes down and plays some blackjack. He spots an egg across the room, their eyes meet and BOOM, their blood begins to boil.
They meet halfway across the floor and without a word, head upstairs to the chicken’s room, unlock the door and go at it madly on the bed. A couple of seconds later the chicken convulses, rolls off the egg and lights a cigarette.
The egg says “I guess we answered that old question!”.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on September 27, 2011, 08:00:02 am

Chicken and the Egg

(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/rimshot.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on September 28, 2011, 08:45:52 am
Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!



A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.



The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.





The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.




The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"


Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service !!

Today is International Disturbed People's Day.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on October 12, 2011, 09:25:30 am
(http://i.imgur.com/iqxKw.png)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on October 12, 2011, 09:27:47 am
(http://i.imgur.com/BLGZf.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on October 20, 2011, 05:43:02 am
Hold That Lantern

In the back woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on October 21, 2011, 05:48:45 am
How to identify a Meth Lab 
   
"From a friend of mine ...  retired police officer wrote the following:

As a law enforcement officer, I have been approached by several people lately wanting to know how to identify a Meth  Lab.  Following are four photos; I think it's pretty obvious which one is the Meth Lab.

(http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lepgvnIoil1qbcmp6o1_500.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on October 21, 2011, 10:05:00 am
Bloody Mary Murray

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtM1nQTc_jg
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on October 27, 2011, 07:05:08 am
Bob the Hen

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'
Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife scream, "BOB, wake up! You crapped the bed!"

Dad at the mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. In classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and screwed a pea****. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on October 27, 2011, 07:07:27 am
Dad at the mall

(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on December 13, 2011, 11:34:48 pm
Hulk Hogan Gay w/ Brutus 'The Barber' Beefcake Smear

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCd5mYBw66U

The joke at the end was just too good to pass up and not post here. Funny.


Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on December 16, 2011, 07:13:11 am
classic

The Most Wanted Man


An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.
One little boy looks at the sign and asks "That guy is the MOST WANTED in the whole USA?"
The Officer smiles and says, "Yes, we're still looking for him, but one of these days we'll catch him."
The Little Boy stops to think about this for a second and then asks, "Well, why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture?"

Baby Names

Mary was pregnant when she was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them.”
The woman thought to herself, "Oh no! Not my brother. He's a clueless idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, “Well, what's my daughter's name?”
“Denise.” said the doctor.
The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, "Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like Denise."
Then she asked, “What's the boy's name?”
The doctor replied “Denephew.”

Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on December 16, 2011, 07:21:38 am
Christmas Foursome

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.
My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf" and she said "Take a sweater"
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on December 16, 2011, 07:29:29 am
Widow and Widower

A widow and widower, both in their 70’s, missed the companionship that their former married lives offered. They decided to get married, and met over lunch to discuss the issues they would face living together. Of course, the issue of sex came up, and the man asked how often his future bride might desire sex once they were married.
She replied , “I’d like it infrequently.”
The man thought a moment and answered “Now, is that one word or two?”
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on December 16, 2011, 09:20:00 am
As told by Matt Damon to Jon Stewart on The Daily Show last night. I'm recounting this as best as I can from memory. Hopefully it comes across just as funny.

Matt: My father told me a story about a Grizzly Bear back in 1986...almost 25 years ago when he went up to Alaska. He was being shown around Alaska by a Guide and he noticed him carrying a .44 Magnum in a holster, but the sight on the gun was filed down. My father asked the Guide if the gun was for bears and the Guide said it was. My father asked him if he could ask a question about the gun? The Guide said "Sure". Why is the sight filed down? The Guide said "After I shoot the bear, it will hurt a lot less when the bear shoves the gun up my ass".

(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/lol.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on December 16, 2011, 10:26:59 am
I like it. Funny.

Reminds me of another joke... but it's one of those where in text it's not near as funny as playing it out.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on December 19, 2011, 05:52:58 am
    An Italian MaMa

    Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
    He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

    During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VRX8zKVOOqI/TkwnWBk1nDI/AAAAAAAAA2U/hRaOsvYJNFs/s1600/italian-girl-08.jpg)

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

    Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

    About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
    You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
    So he sat down and wrote an email:

    Dear MaMa,

    I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
    But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Your Loving Son
    Anthony
    Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:
    Dear son,

    I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
    But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

    Your Loving MaMa

(http://sylviafreedom.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/italian-mama.jpg)

    Moral:
    Never Bulla Shita you MaMa
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on December 19, 2011, 08:43:49 am
Zing!!
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on December 20, 2011, 01:24:28 pm
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.

I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a phucking thing!"
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on December 20, 2011, 01:50:46 pm
Haha. I've heard that one before and I never get tired of it.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on January 13, 2012, 09:04:23 am
God, Football

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity Tom, said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a huge 3-story mansion with Orange and Blue sidewalks and drive ways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Broncos logo flag waving, a swimming pool in shape of a horse, a Broncos logo in every window, and a Tim Tebow jersey on the front door.

Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 3 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what's your point Tom?"

"Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Tim's house, it's mine."
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on January 13, 2012, 11:27:01 am
(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/lol.gif)(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/lol.gif)(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/lol.gif)(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/lol.gif)

Even God wouldn't admit to being a Donkey's fan.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on January 23, 2012, 02:11:15 pm
The Italian Loan


An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two
weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Italian produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000
loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23..07.

The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The Italian replied: 'Minga! Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I
return?'

Ah, the Italians... Bada Bing!

(1) FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Always bring the food..

(2) FRIENDS:Will say ';hello'
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

(3) FRIENDS:Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad

(4) FRIENDS:Have never seen you cry.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.

(5) FRIENDS:Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just
being together.

(6) FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

(7) FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's back-ends that left you.

(8) FRIENDS: Will knock on your door.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I';m home!';

(9) FRIENDS:Will visit you in jail
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend the night in jail with you.

(10) FRIENDS:Will visit you in the hospital when you're sick
   ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will cut your grass and clean your house thencome
spend the night with you in the hospital.
 
(11) FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial
  ITALIAN FRIENDS: Have your number memorized

(12) FRIENDS: Are for a while.
  ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.

(13) FRIENDS:Might ignore this.


ITALIAN FRIENDS will forward this to their ITALIAN friends and those
who wish they were ITALIAN or consider themselves Italian by association
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on January 23, 2012, 02:15:39 pm
(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/lol.gif)(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/lol.gif)(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/lol.gif)(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/lol.gif)@The Italian Loan
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on February 13, 2012, 10:54:04 am
Senior Moment

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife,Brenda, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice, “Vince,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

Brenda retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on February 13, 2012, 05:18:44 pm
Hahahahaha.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on April 05, 2012, 10:52:20 am
A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man." The fight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat." After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class." About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class." Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person." Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on April 05, 2012, 12:41:05 pm
That sounds more like a legit thing that happened instead of an actual joke to which I APPLAUD!!!
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on April 05, 2012, 01:02:34 pm
Quote
That sounds more like a legit thing that happened instead of an actual joke to which I APPLAUD!!!

Yea, I thought it was brilliant. Kinda opening the door of the way we should think. Slam the s hitty thinking down.



Reminds me of something I witnessed years ago. Elton John played at our July 4th down on the river. Huge crowd. Just sit somewhere on the grass. People eventually created these random ad-hoc paths to walk through the throngs of people and blankets.

Along comes this long line of people (10-15). It turned out they were family. The lead guy was wearing a pink shirt. Some dumb @ss sitting down decided to make a derogatory comment about the 'man' wearing a pink shirt. He unfortunately said it loud enough where the people behind in the line heard it.

Yelling to the front - "Hey Frank. This guy here called you a fag"
"What? Who?"
"This guy sitting right here... called you a fag"

The whole family stopped... and all filed back around the guy.

I thought an @ss kicking was going to happen. About a million eyes on the scene unfolding.
Just major words... one way, were said and the end.

I believe that was a major point in my life I told myself I don't need to say... out loud... what is on my mind.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on April 05, 2012, 01:23:03 pm
It's kind of funny to call someone that name and yet he forgets exactly who is headlining the show that night. I wonder if he would have said the same thing to Elton. I think not.

Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on April 13, 2012, 08:33:36 am
The Gorilla and the Redneck:

A small zoo in  Georgia obtained a very
rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female,
became very difficult to handle. Upon
examination, the veterinarian determined
the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To
make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo
Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a
redneck part-time worker responsible for
cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee,
like most rednecks, had little sense but
possessed ample ability to satisfy a
female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have
a solution. Bobby Lee was approached
with a proposition. Would he be willing
to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but
said he would have to think the matter
over carefully. The following day, he
announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna
kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly
agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a
'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The
keeper again readily agreed to this
condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no
one about this." The keeper again
readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the
children raised Southern Baptist." Once
again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need
another week to come up with the $500.00.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on April 20, 2012, 08:37:26 am
I fish on Friday's

After 35 years of marriage, a

  husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was,

  the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in

  the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,

  emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry

  list of unmet needs she had endured.


   
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of

  time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the

  wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her

  husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly

  sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and

  said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you

  do this?"


   
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on April 20, 2012, 12:37:53 pm
(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/ROFL.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on April 30, 2012, 04:41:04 pm
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps in to
the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th
Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago
when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that
her husband is so caring and sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself in to a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he
shoved the shotgun in my face and said,'Either you
marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on April 30, 2012, 06:04:27 pm
(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/ROFL.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on May 08, 2012, 07:14:50 am
Taliban Singles Online

Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on May 08, 2012, 09:41:05 pm
My Cave or hers? Decisions...................
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on May 11, 2012, 04:36:47 pm
An  atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
 
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
 
“Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
 
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
 
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
 
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ****?"
 
And then she went back to reading her book…
 
 

 
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on May 12, 2012, 10:26:16 pm
BOOOOOOOM!!!!!!

Take THAT Mr. Atheist!!!
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on May 22, 2012, 12:52:29 pm
One of my all time fav comic panel (right after everything by The Farside)

(http://www.newciv.org/pic/nl/artpic/10/1953/SidneyHarris_MiracleWeb.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on May 22, 2012, 01:45:39 pm
Hahahahahahahahaha.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on May 23, 2012, 08:44:14 am
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday
by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.
"It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay!
I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,"
the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on May 23, 2012, 02:52:27 pm
(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/RollingOnTheFloor.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on June 12, 2012, 11:33:17 am
405

Classic... not really a joke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tpx6o4gvmXE
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on June 15, 2012, 08:39:22 am
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the s hit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on June 16, 2012, 08:46:42 am
My dream is to be a Grape in a basket of Apples. (http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on November 20, 2012, 08:40:23 am
A couple were Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas  Eve and the mall was packed.
 
As the wife walked  through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere  around.  She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.  Because  she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he  was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry  store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond  necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one  day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I  remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next  to it."
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on November 20, 2012, 09:24:21 am
Hahahaha
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on December 07, 2012, 01:04:18 pm
American Kids vs. Italian Kids
 
 
American kids:   Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
Italian kids:   Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a house, and are two weeks away from getting married...  unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.

American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake, and you sip coffee and chat.
Italian kids:  When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food, begins to tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture.

American kids:   Their dads always call before they come over to visit them, and it's usually only on special occasions.
Italian kids:  Are not at all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00, and start pruning the fruit trees.   If there are no fruit trees, he'll plant some.

American kids: Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need to have something done.
Italian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number, to get it done.

American kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get only cake and coffee.  Nothing more.
Italian kids:  Will come over for cake and coffee, and get antipasto, wine,  a pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, bread, a cannoli, fruit, espresso, and a few after dinner drinks.

American kids:  Will greet you with 'Hello' or 'Hi'.
Italian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on your back.

American kids:  Have never seen you cry.
Italian kids: Cry with you.
 
American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white bread.
Italian kids: Eat Genoa Salami and Provolone sandwiches on crusty Italian bread (for breakfast).
 
American kids:   Think that being Italian is cool.
Italian kids:  Know that being Italian is cool.
 
American kids:    Will ignore this.
Italian kids:  Will forward it.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on January 03, 2013, 03:21:54 pm
Kanye and Kim Kardashian Baby

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxHzpwNRIHk


Ana ftw!!! This is hands down one of the best jokes I've heard in years! Watch the first 15 seconds and laugh your ass off. The look that she gives to sell the joke is frickin' priceless!!

(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/lol.gif)(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/lol.gif)(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/lol.gif)

Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on February 12, 2013, 03:43:04 pm
Are my test results back?

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his **** out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!"

At this point the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on February 12, 2013, 04:08:46 pm
My brother received a ticket for running a red light by one of the red light cameras. My brother went to fight the ticket stating the machine had malfunctioned. He prepared and thoroughly presented his case to the judge who told him "machines do not malfunction and you have wasted this court's time." My brother calmly told the judge "well obviously you have not seen the Terminator movies" and the court erupted in laughter.
The judge warned him regarding contempt, but then smirked and reduced the fine.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on February 17, 2013, 03:24:23 pm
My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
 My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

 
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on March 05, 2013, 06:20:33 am
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.   The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.  He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed
one of the balls.  To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow
swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"  "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball.

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.  He ordered a drink and the
monkey started running around the bar.   The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.
 He grabbed it, pushed it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again pushed it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.  "He will eat anything, but ever since he had
to **** out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on March 05, 2013, 06:31:42 am
Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on March 13, 2013, 01:19:22 pm
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'



Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'



Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on March 13, 2013, 02:13:56 pm
Hahaha. All of them were great, but the Mirror was the best of the bunch. Hahahahahaha.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on July 10, 2013, 10:48:55 am
What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on July 10, 2013, 08:16:03 pm
Haha.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on August 16, 2013, 07:30:06 am
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that sheit.

Never mind.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on October 15, 2013, 10:35:52 am
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN
RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Meg
was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The
next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it
was her husband on the other end. "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like
your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a
bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff.

Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said,  "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on October 15, 2013, 04:52:22 pm
Hahahahahahahahahaha. Good post!
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on November 12, 2013, 09:17:12 am
Opportune photo
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on November 12, 2013, 10:21:54 am
Hahahahahahahaha. What dog?!?!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on December 29, 2013, 06:36:03 pm
A fly goes into a bar and asks: "Is that stool taken?"
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on December 30, 2013, 10:40:30 am
Ha. For some reason I picture Jack Benny telling that joke.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on December 30, 2013, 12:07:14 pm
Now THAT is sick
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on January 02, 2014, 11:38:09 am
Could I borrow a newspaper?

I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can use my iPad."

I can tell you this: that fly never knew what hit it.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on January 03, 2014, 06:23:30 pm
Hahahahaha.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on January 24, 2014, 06:02:19 am
Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Minot, ND.
 
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.  The temperature is 32 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.  Wind chill is -59.  His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on January 24, 2014, 06:07:24 am
(http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/Chiprocks1/Smilies/0%20All%20Smilies/Laughing.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on January 31, 2014, 09:43:06 am
Warning about e-Bay

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

I just spent $ 195 plus sales tax on a P enis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instruction said, "Do not use in sunlight."
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on January 31, 2014, 05:15:36 pm
Hahahahahahahahaha. Good one!
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on February 10, 2014, 08:43:41 am
Golfer

Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He
began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
 
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been
in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
 
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was
shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
 
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal
best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous
best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....
 
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.  He
saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
 
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"
 
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country
club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went
ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will
be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy
bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't
forget the hygiene care."
 
The man broke down and sobbed.
 

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just f ucking with you.  She's dead.
What'd you shoot?
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on February 10, 2014, 01:38:10 pm
I don't know whether to laugh and cry.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on March 05, 2014, 11:41:52 am
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
 
"I am so sorry Pete.  I've been riddled with guilt and I now have to confess.  I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.  In fact, more than you.  I don’t get it at home, but that's no excuse.  I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again".
 
The man, anguished and feeling betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his shot gun, and without a single word, shot his wife and killed her.
 
A few moments later, a second text came in:
 
"Damn Smartphone autocorrect. It's 'wifi', not 'wife'....... duh! ".
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on March 12, 2014, 09:03:17 am
Notice

My Dear Friend,

Your application to join our online dating agency has been REJECTED.

One of the questions we asked on the application was: 'What do you like most in a woman?'

'My dick' is not an appropriate answer.

Thank you for your interest

(http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/eharmony-ipad-application.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on April 15, 2014, 01:17:08 pm
A Japanese couple is in an argument over ways to experience highly erotic sex....

 
Husband says: Sukitak. . .
 
Wife replies: Kowanini . . .
 
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo! . . .
 
Wife on her knees literally begging:  Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji! . . .
 
Husband replies angrily:  Na miaou kina tim kouji! . .      . 
And YOU just sit there, reading      this shi t as if you understand Japanese!


Unbelievable!!!
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on April 20, 2014, 04:52:15 am
Hahahaha.

I actually had to go back and "read" it 3xs as I didn't get the joke as I thought I kept missing a vital punchline.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on May 05, 2014, 06:34:25 am
Some tough hombres out here!

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush
prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous.
It was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey and night of tall tales.

Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest,
toughest cowboy there is.
Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral.
It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my
bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested.
 "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot
diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me.
I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the
poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache."

Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring
the campfire coals with his pecker.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on May 06, 2014, 10:12:21 am
Top Tips For Dating an Older Man

Unless he's rich . . . DON'T.
Want to surprise him with a homemade meal?  You can't go wrong with pudding.
Don't be surprised if his follow-up comment to asking you out for dinner is, "Cool, I'll pick you up at 3:00 P.M."
Familiarize yourself with his Buick.  One day he'll have a heart attack in the middle of a drive, and you'll have to take the wheel.
During arguments, remind him whose boss by crimping his oxygen hose.
Ask him about a minority, press "record" on your iPhone, and get ready to blackmail him for millions.
Don't be afraid to order the most expensive item on the menu . . . because he gets a 15% senior discount.
Start boning up on "NCIS".
Turn him on by whispering sweet nothings into his Miracle Ear.
Always have a barf bag in your purse for when you see him naked.
Do whatever he asks of you . . . except pulling his finger.
Don't be surprised during sex if he yells, "Who's your grandpa?!?"
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on May 07, 2014, 09:22:30 am
Top Tips For Dating an Older Man


Don't be surprised during sex if he yells, "Who's your grandpa?!?"

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on July 20, 2014, 02:47:29 pm
(http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/how-to-have-fun-when-you-retire.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on July 20, 2014, 08:53:51 pm
lol
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on July 23, 2014, 10:01:33 am
These are fun...

18 Puns That Are So Bad, They’re Good (http://www.pleated-jeans.com/2014/07/22/18-puns-that-are-so-bad-theyre-good-25/#more-100764)

(http://www.pleated-jeans.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/picdump-1150-8-1.jpg) (http://www.pleated-jeans.com/2014/07/22/18-puns-that-are-so-bad-theyre-good-25/#more-100764)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on September 29, 2014, 07:03:27 am

 
Stuttering Cat - as explained by a Grade 4 student
 
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
 
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
 
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
 
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
 
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
 
"It sure was," said the little girl.
 
"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say 'F uck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
 
The teacher had to leave the room.
Title: Re: Jokes..
Post by: Chiprocks1 on October 26, 2014, 08:47:57 pm
Hahahaha.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on November 23, 2014, 10:04:22 am
(http://i.imgur.com/srCZLGx.jpg)

 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on November 23, 2014, 10:14:03 am
Nice
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on February 28, 2015, 10:42:08 am
Quote
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”



Hahahahaha.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on February 28, 2015, 02:51:15 pm
Nice  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on March 26, 2015, 09:43:40 am
Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*cking number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an @sshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '@sshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an @sshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '@sshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program? "He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an @sshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first @sshole(I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW @sshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an @sshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two @ssholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called @sshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an @sshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "@sshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, @sshole," and hung up.

Then I called @sshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, @sshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, @sshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two @ssholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work



BLIND MAN IN A FEMALE BIKER BAR

A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

 In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you' re blind,

That you should know  five things:

 1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

 2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.

 3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4)  The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
 
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and  mutters....
 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."



Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days....

"When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea and a half a dozen eggs.

You can't do that now.  Too many f*ckin' security cameras."
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on March 26, 2015, 12:43:10 pm
Stay

(http://jiyapetshop.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/lab.jpg)

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center
and rolled down the car windows
to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
 
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and
I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"
 

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde,
gave me a strange look and said,
(this is going to hurt - read on)
 
"Why don't you just put   it   in 'Park'?"

(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/b4/06/b1/b406b1258fbd7824c4ab2549d7ea878d.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on March 31, 2015, 01:55:18 pm
Random Thoughts for Smart People Like Me....

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk..

That's enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid; playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as
none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot.

Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around
and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.
There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it..

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on April 30, 2015, 07:14:23 pm
A Pastor, a Priest and a Rabbi.......

(http://i.imgur.com/m1a1PcR.jpg)

Haha!
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on April 30, 2015, 08:23:10 pm
Groan






 ;)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on September 08, 2015, 10:44:42 am
Wish I could find the cartoon where I saw this the other day

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on February 04, 2016, 06:26:21 am
Why did the chicken cross the road?
 
DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.

JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.
 
CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.

RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.

NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.
 
CARLY FIORINA: Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.

BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.
 
BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery. So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
 
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs.  Period.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.  We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.  The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
 
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
 
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
 
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
 
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
 

Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on February 07, 2016, 07:02:04 am
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Chiprocks1 on February 07, 2016, 09:44:08 am
*Rim shot*

Hahaha.
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on May 30, 2016, 08:35:53 am
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b2/ef/a7/b2efa7a5f90d334ceb821ed7e6b6e035.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes...
Post by: Mac on June 08, 2016, 11:08:27 am
(http://www.pleated-jeans.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/izi6c9c-1.jpg)