Penny Can

The Lobby => Off-Topic => Topic started by: Mac on March 20, 2015, 07:21:27 am

Title: My Mom
Post by: Mac on March 20, 2015, 07:21:27 am
Just writing down my thoughts...

Ya know, life throws a lot you, where no one can teach you how to deal with situations.

My parents have become a challengeÖ to me and the rest of the family. Not a horrible challenge, but some very, very difficult challenges. And when we, outside of the challenge, have to make decisions, it can wear on you. I donít mean to place some of the blame on my Mom, but I donít see any other recourse. The latest 10-15 years of her life, she has for some unknown reason became the complete opposite of her Ďnormalí nature. She has chosen a life of a hermit and become sedentary. She married a man who is nice, quiet and doesnít do much. He took care of her in just about every way. He became the house caretaker. My Mom evolved into doing very little. Became completely dependent on him taking care of her. Now, that his mental and physical self has deteriorated significantly, Mom has painted herself into a corner, because he can no longer take care of her. In fact, itís turned around where she needs to take care of him. And I think that not only she canít physically, she doesnít want to. I wonít call her a diva, but I will call her selfish and lazy.

Iím not in this alone. Thank gawd, my brother, his wife, my brother-in-law and his wife are excellent support. While Iíve gone through difficult situations before, itís a blessing they are on board with this.

So my Mom has essentially put herself into this situation. She currently resides in Delmar Gardens, a rehab facility that has doctors, nurses, specialistÖ 24/7. She got there a year ago, after spending weeks in a hospital, because she simply fell down one day at home. Didnít break anything. But since she was so fragile, the fall had a major impact. The fall, I believe, is due to her life of doing literally nothing. There were days and weeks of never getting out of the bed. She didnít get out of bed due to stomach problems. Thus she rarely ate, and didnít move. Totally letting her body go. She never made the connection of health, movement, mental state, etc. She chose, yes I said Ďchoseí, this way of life. And that has been one of the big mysteries. Why would anyone choose to think and live that way?

Thus far, she has lived at Delmar for a year, slooooooooly recovering. But still sitting in a wheel chair. Mentally she is doing better. She used to be catatonic. But physically she can barely walk with a walker. Meanwhile her husband, has gotten worse with Demetia and his physical well being. He can currently live on his own at Briarcrest, but just barely. My Mom is now making it a mission to get back with him some way. Constantly pressuring family to get them back together. I understand the emotional part of it. But reality, we all know what would happen if that happened. None of it is good. And that is the challenge facing us.

My Mom does not understand her situation. Believe me, we have explained it time and time again and from every direction. She chooses only to hear and believe what she believes. So my weekly visits of late have become a test in patience and endurance. Iím not sure we will every help her understand her situation. There are only a few options and she is ignoring them. Her memory is sooooo bad. For instance, we bring Bob to see her for a short time. Because 1) they have nothing to say to each other and 2) Bob remembers nothing. We tell mom, what would that be like 24/7 with him? Itís not the same anymore.

I had to write this, at the very least, think out loud about the actions Iím taking with her. It comes down to tough love. She is not in a horrible situation, but she could make it so much better than she does. I just canít let her go back and slip right back into a very unhealthy situation. My family and the doctors & nurses have confirmed my thoughts. She goes back, she will immediately go back to her old ways, quickly become unhealthy and be back at Delmar in a very short time. I know this because she has done this 3 times previously. She is who she is. 
Title: Re: My Mom
Post by: Chiprocks1 on March 23, 2015, 09:06:21 am
Mac, I totally sympathize with your problem. I more or less took care of my Grandparents since I was 16 years old and onward and as they got older, it became more problematic, which tried my patience to no end in just getting them to take better care of themselves. Easier said than done. I could (and would) talk to them until I was blue in the face and it still wouldn't make a dent because they (and each of us) are set in our ways. They are either going to do it or they won't. If they want to do what is necessary, they will. But in most cases, old age tends to sap their energy and doing the same things they use to do in the past so easily, become larger than life later in old age.  All I could do was grin and bare it and just be there and hope for the best, even if I knew it would never improve for either of us.
Title: Re: My Mom
Post by: Mac on March 23, 2015, 09:15:38 am
Thanks bud for sharing that. Good advice.