Author Topic: Jokes...  (Read 949 times)

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Mac

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Jokes...
« on: August 15, 2011, 09:36:29 am »
Only the best ones go here...

The Angry Blonde

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"

Funeral Costs

Billy died.... His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle.
"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Joyce. "Thirty thousand dollars."
"No!" Jonelle exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500.. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"
Joyce answered, "Two and a half carats!”
Believe in Yourself
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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2011, 06:19:43 pm »
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land to China!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . .. . I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2011, 06:39:02 pm »
AN ELDERLY ITALIAN CATHOLIC GENTLEMAN
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy ,
went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the
panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."
 The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.
 
 

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2011, 08:23:50 am »
If you should contract the Swine Flu, don't worry, you can use some Oinkment
















whooboy, I kill myself
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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2011, 01:20:09 pm »
Area husband pretends to give a sh*t



Lafayette, Ga. – Attempting to pacify his wife Jena's incessant desire for verbal interaction, area husband Chris Woodman pretended to give a **** Tuesday as his wife of six years initiated and dominated a series of prolonged dialogues regarding an array of unrelated, unimportant subjects.

According to Woodman, the thoroughly pointless conversation - which comprehensively detailed his wife's work day, lunch experience, plans for the evening and friend's relationship difficulties - took place in the living room of the couple's Lafayette home at approximately 6 p.m., shortly after Woodman began watching television in an effort to unwind from work.

"I love my wife, but Jesus, does she like to talk sometimes," said Woodman, 30, who works as a field technician for a local civil engineering firm. "I wanted to just come home [from work] and chill out for awhile, but Jena immediately launches into these long, boring stories about what happened at work and what's going on with a friend of hers and a bunch of other stuff. I just tried to act like I was paying attention and hoped it wouldn't go on too long."

Occasionally retorting with such all-purpose conversation perpetuators as "That's nice, honey" and "No kidding? Huh," Woodman pretended to give a **** about his wife's exhaustively detailed personal accounts until just after 6:45 p.m., when Jena was forced to interrupt the one-sided exchange to receive a telephone call from her longtime friend Nelly Smith.

"Saved by the bell, I guess you'd say," Woodman jokingly explained, adding that he used the brief interruption to exit the room and seek solace behind some cardboard boxes in the basement, where he remained for several hours.

Woodman acknowledged that although the lengthy, expendable conversation depleted a good amount of his after-work leisure time, the 45 minutes spent maintaining a convincing, give-a-**** veneer was not a complete waste.

"I was able to give some thought to a few things I hadn't had time for," said Woodman, who admitted to mentally drifting light-years away from his wife's inane banter. "While Jena was busy carrying on about God-knows-what, I was trying to figure out the significance of a couple of scenes from the movie Memento, which we had rented a few nights back. I think I've got most of [the plot] figured out now."

"I pretend to give a **** because I care."
In addition to analyzing the storyline of the 2001 feature, Woodman mentally planned the couple's upcoming camping trip and also reminisced about his 1996 bachelor party weekend in Las Vegas - all the while remembering to nod, say "Yeah," and display other characteristics indicative of a person who is giving a ****.

Woodman said he often pretends to give a **** about what his wife says.

"Somebody - a guy - once told me that women tend to work things out in their heads by talking things out, so most of the time it isn't really necessary to listen to everything a woman says," said Woodman. "It's been my experience that the theory usually holds true. So I tend to just keep my mouth shut and let her talk herself out."

Added Woodman: "Besides, if something's really important to her, I'll pick up on it right away because she'll be yelling. Then it's time to get involved in what I'm sure she feels is an extremely important conversation."

After six years of marriage, Woodman said he feels that his willingness to pretend to give a **** about what his wife says is vital to the health of their relationship.

"If I didn't sit there in total silence, staring off into the distance but occasionally grunting out an 'Oh yeah?' or a "No kidding,' Jena would probably start to think we have a communication problem," said Woodman. "Sure, I could just walk out of the room when she starts barking out her meaningless ramblings, but that would be equivalent to just coming right out and saying that she's boring me."

"I pretend to give a **** because I care," Woodman added.
July 2002

From Recoil
« Last Edit: August 06, 2014, 12:30:43 pm by Mac »
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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2011, 01:41:47 pm »
The Bank Robber

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Golden Meadow , and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Cajun customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.
There are a few moments of silence, then Boudreaux looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think my wife, Marie, peeked"...
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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #6 on: September 27, 2011, 07:45:04 am »
The Drunkin' Cowboy

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy what's your name?'
'Fred,' the cowboy moaned.
'Where ya from, Fred?' asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied.... "the balcony..."

Chicken and the Egg

A chicken goes to Las Vegas for a convention. After checking in, he goes down and plays some blackjack. He spots an egg across the room, their eyes meet and BOOM, their blood begins to boil.
They meet halfway across the floor and without a word, head upstairs to the chicken’s room, unlock the door and go at it madly on the bed. A couple of seconds later the chicken convulses, rolls off the egg and lights a cigarette.
The egg says “I guess we answered that old question!”.
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #7 on: September 27, 2011, 08:00:02 am »
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #8 on: September 28, 2011, 08:45:52 am »
Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!



A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.



The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.





The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.




The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"


Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service !!

Today is International Disturbed People's Day.
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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2011, 09:25:30 am »
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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2011, 09:27:47 am »
Believe in Yourself
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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #11 on: October 20, 2011, 05:43:02 am »
Hold That Lantern

In the back woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #12 on: October 21, 2011, 05:48:45 am »
How to identify a Meth Lab 
   
"From a friend of mine ...  retired police officer wrote the following:

As a law enforcement officer, I have been approached by several people lately wanting to know how to identify a Meth  Lab.  Following are four photos; I think it's pretty obvious which one is the Meth Lab.

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #13 on: October 21, 2011, 10:05:00 am »
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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #14 on: October 27, 2011, 07:05:08 am »
Bob the Hen

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'
Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife scream, "BOB, wake up! You crapped the bed!"

Dad at the mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. In classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once and screwed a pea****. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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