Author Topic: Jokes...  (Read 949 times)

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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #15 on: October 27, 2011, 07:07:27 am »
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #16 on: December 13, 2011, 11:34:48 pm »
Hulk Hogan Gay w/ Brutus 'The Barber' Beefcake Smear

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCd5mYBw66U

The joke at the end was just too good to pass up and not post here. Funny.


Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #17 on: December 16, 2011, 07:13:11 am »
classic

The Most Wanted Man


An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.
One little boy looks at the sign and asks "That guy is the MOST WANTED in the whole USA?"
The Officer smiles and says, "Yes, we're still looking for him, but one of these days we'll catch him."
The Little Boy stops to think about this for a second and then asks, "Well, why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture?"

Baby Names

Mary was pregnant when she was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them.”
The woman thought to herself, "Oh no! Not my brother. He's a clueless idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, “Well, what's my daughter's name?”
“Denise.” said the doctor.
The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, "Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like Denise."
Then she asked, “What's the boy's name?”
The doctor replied “Denephew.”

Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #18 on: December 16, 2011, 07:21:38 am »
Christmas Foursome

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.
My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf" and she said "Take a sweater"
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #19 on: December 16, 2011, 07:29:29 am »
Widow and Widower

A widow and widower, both in their 70’s, missed the companionship that their former married lives offered. They decided to get married, and met over lunch to discuss the issues they would face living together. Of course, the issue of sex came up, and the man asked how often his future bride might desire sex once they were married.
She replied , “I’d like it infrequently.”
The man thought a moment and answered “Now, is that one word or two?”
Believe in Yourself
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #20 on: December 16, 2011, 09:20:00 am »
As told by Matt Damon to Jon Stewart on The Daily Show last night. I'm recounting this as best as I can from memory. Hopefully it comes across just as funny.

Matt: My father told me a story about a Grizzly Bear back in 1986...almost 25 years ago when he went up to Alaska. He was being shown around Alaska by a Guide and he noticed him carrying a .44 Magnum in a holster, but the sight on the gun was filed down. My father asked the Guide if the gun was for bears and the Guide said it was. My father asked him if he could ask a question about the gun? The Guide said "Sure". Why is the sight filed down? The Guide said "After I shoot the bear, it will hurt a lot less when the bear shoves the gun up my ass".

Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #21 on: December 16, 2011, 10:26:59 am »
I like it. Funny.

Reminds me of another joke... but it's one of those where in text it's not near as funny as playing it out.
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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #22 on: December 19, 2011, 05:52:58 am »
    An Italian MaMa

    Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
    He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

    During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.



    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

    Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

    About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
    You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
    So he sat down and wrote an email:

    Dear MaMa,

    I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
    But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Your Loving Son
    Anthony
    Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:
    Dear son,

    I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
    But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

    Your Loving MaMa



    Moral:
    Never Bulla Shita you MaMa
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #23 on: December 19, 2011, 08:43:49 am »
Zing!!
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #24 on: December 20, 2011, 01:24:28 pm »
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.

I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a phucking thing!"
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #25 on: December 20, 2011, 01:50:46 pm »
Haha. I've heard that one before and I never get tired of it.
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #26 on: January 13, 2012, 09:04:23 am »
God, Football

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity Tom, said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a huge 3-story mansion with Orange and Blue sidewalks and drive ways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Broncos logo flag waving, a swimming pool in shape of a horse, a Broncos logo in every window, and a Tim Tebow jersey on the front door.

Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 3 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what's your point Tom?"

"Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Tim's house, it's mine."
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #27 on: January 13, 2012, 11:27:01 am »


Even God wouldn't admit to being a Donkey's fan.
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #28 on: January 23, 2012, 02:11:15 pm »
The Italian Loan


An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two
weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Italian produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000
loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23..07.

The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The Italian replied: 'Minga! Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I
return?'

Ah, the Italians... Bada Bing!

(1) FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Always bring the food..

(2) FRIENDS:Will say ';hello'
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

(3) FRIENDS:Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad

(4) FRIENDS:Have never seen you cry.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.

(5) FRIENDS:Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just
being together.

(6) FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

(7) FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's back-ends that left you.

(8) FRIENDS: Will knock on your door.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I';m home!';

(9) FRIENDS:Will visit you in jail
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend the night in jail with you.

(10) FRIENDS:Will visit you in the hospital when you're sick
   ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will cut your grass and clean your house thencome
spend the night with you in the hospital.
 
(11) FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial
  ITALIAN FRIENDS: Have your number memorized

(12) FRIENDS: Are for a while.
  ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.

(13) FRIENDS:Might ignore this.


ITALIAN FRIENDS will forward this to their ITALIAN friends and those
who wish they were ITALIAN or consider themselves Italian by association
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #29 on: January 23, 2012, 02:15:39 pm »
@The Italian Loan
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

 

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