Author Topic: Jokes...  (Read 950 times)

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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #30 on: February 13, 2012, 10:54:04 am »
Senior Moment

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife,Brenda, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice, “Vince,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

Brenda retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”
Believe in Yourself
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #31 on: February 13, 2012, 05:18:44 pm »
Hahahahaha.
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #32 on: April 05, 2012, 10:52:20 am »
A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man." The fight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat." After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class." About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class." Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person." Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation.
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #33 on: April 05, 2012, 12:41:05 pm »
That sounds more like a legit thing that happened instead of an actual joke to which I APPLAUD!!!
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #34 on: April 05, 2012, 01:02:34 pm »
Quote
That sounds more like a legit thing that happened instead of an actual joke to which I APPLAUD!!!

Yea, I thought it was brilliant. Kinda opening the door of the way we should think. Slam the s hitty thinking down.



Reminds me of something I witnessed years ago. Elton John played at our July 4th down on the river. Huge crowd. Just sit somewhere on the grass. People eventually created these random ad-hoc paths to walk through the throngs of people and blankets.

Along comes this long line of people (10-15). It turned out they were family. The lead guy was wearing a pink shirt. Some dumb @ss sitting down decided to make a derogatory comment about the 'man' wearing a pink shirt. He unfortunately said it loud enough where the people behind in the line heard it.

Yelling to the front - "Hey Frank. This guy here called you a fag"
"What? Who?"
"This guy sitting right here... called you a fag"

The whole family stopped... and all filed back around the guy.

I thought an @ss kicking was going to happen. About a million eyes on the scene unfolding.
Just major words... one way, were said and the end.

I believe that was a major point in my life I told myself I don't need to say... out loud... what is on my mind.
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #35 on: April 05, 2012, 01:23:03 pm »
It's kind of funny to call someone that name and yet he forgets exactly who is headlining the show that night. I wonder if he would have said the same thing to Elton. I think not.

Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #36 on: April 13, 2012, 08:33:36 am »
The Gorilla and the Redneck:

A small zoo in  Georgia obtained a very
rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female,
became very difficult to handle. Upon
examination, the veterinarian determined
the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To
make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo
Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a
redneck part-time worker responsible for
cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee,
like most rednecks, had little sense but
possessed ample ability to satisfy a
female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have
a solution. Bobby Lee was approached
with a proposition. Would he be willing
to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but
said he would have to think the matter
over carefully. The following day, he
announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna
kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly
agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a
'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The
keeper again readily agreed to this
condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no
one about this." The keeper again
readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the
children raised Southern Baptist." Once
again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need
another week to come up with the $500.00.
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #37 on: April 20, 2012, 08:37:26 am »
I fish on Friday's

After 35 years of marriage, a

  husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was,

  the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in

  the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,

  emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry

  list of unmet needs she had endured.


   
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of

  time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the

  wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her

  husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly

  sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and

  said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you

  do this?"


   
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #38 on: April 20, 2012, 12:37:53 pm »
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #39 on: April 30, 2012, 04:41:04 pm »
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps in to
the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th
Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago
when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that
her husband is so caring and sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself in to a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he
shoved the shotgun in my face and said,'Either you
marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #40 on: April 30, 2012, 06:04:27 pm »
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #41 on: May 08, 2012, 07:14:50 am »
Taliban Singles Online

Believe in Yourself
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #42 on: May 08, 2012, 09:41:05 pm »
My Cave or hers? Decisions...................
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #43 on: May 11, 2012, 04:36:47 pm »
An  atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
 
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
 
“Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
 
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
 
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
 
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ****?"
 
And then she went back to reading her book…
 
 

 
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #44 on: May 12, 2012, 10:26:16 pm »
BOOOOOOOM!!!!!!

Take THAT Mr. Atheist!!!
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

 

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