Arcadia Power

Author Topic: Jokes...  (Read 990 times)

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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #45 on: May 22, 2012, 12:52:29 pm »
One of my all time fav comic panel (right after everything by The Farside)

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Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #46 on: May 22, 2012, 01:45:39 pm »
Hahahahahahahahaha.
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #47 on: May 23, 2012, 08:44:14 am »
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday
by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.
"It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay!
I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,"
the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #48 on: May 23, 2012, 02:52:27 pm »
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #49 on: June 12, 2012, 11:33:17 am »
405

Classic... not really a joke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tpx6o4gvmXE
Believe in Yourself
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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #50 on: June 15, 2012, 08:39:22 am »
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the s hit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #51 on: June 16, 2012, 08:46:42 am »
My dream is to be a Grape in a basket of Apples.
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #52 on: November 20, 2012, 08:40:23 am »
A couple were Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas  Eve and the mall was packed.
 
As the wife walked  through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere  around.  She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.  Because  she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he  was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry  store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond  necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one  day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I  remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next  to it."
Believe in Yourself
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #53 on: November 20, 2012, 09:24:21 am »
Hahahaha
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #54 on: December 07, 2012, 01:04:18 pm »
American Kids vs. Italian Kids
 
 
American kids:   Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
Italian kids:   Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a house, and are two weeks away from getting married...  unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.

American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake, and you sip coffee and chat.
Italian kids:  When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food, begins to tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture.

American kids:   Their dads always call before they come over to visit them, and it's usually only on special occasions.
Italian kids:  Are not at all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00, and start pruning the fruit trees.   If there are no fruit trees, he'll plant some.

American kids: Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need to have something done.
Italian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number, to get it done.

American kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get only cake and coffee.  Nothing more.
Italian kids:  Will come over for cake and coffee, and get antipasto, wine,  a pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, bread, a cannoli, fruit, espresso, and a few after dinner drinks.

American kids:  Will greet you with 'Hello' or 'Hi'.
Italian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on your back.

American kids:  Have never seen you cry.
Italian kids: Cry with you.
 
American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white bread.
Italian kids: Eat Genoa Salami and Provolone sandwiches on crusty Italian bread (for breakfast).
 
American kids:   Think that being Italian is cool.
Italian kids:  Know that being Italian is cool.
 
American kids:    Will ignore this.
Italian kids:  Will forward it.
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #55 on: January 03, 2013, 03:21:54 pm »
Kanye and Kim Kardashian Baby

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxHzpwNRIHk


Ana ftw!!! This is hands down one of the best jokes I've heard in years! Watch the first 15 seconds and laugh your ass off. The look that she gives to sell the joke is frickin' priceless!!



Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #56 on: February 12, 2013, 03:43:04 pm »
Are my test results back?

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his **** out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!"

At this point the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #57 on: February 12, 2013, 04:08:46 pm »
My brother received a ticket for running a red light by one of the red light cameras. My brother went to fight the ticket stating the machine had malfunctioned. He prepared and thoroughly presented his case to the judge who told him "machines do not malfunction and you have wasted this court's time." My brother calmly told the judge "well obviously you have not seen the Terminator movies" and the court erupted in laughter.
The judge warned him regarding contempt, but then smirked and reduced the fine.
Believe in Yourself
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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #58 on: February 17, 2013, 03:24:23 pm »
My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
 My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

 
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #59 on: March 05, 2013, 06:20:33 am »
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.   The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.  He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed
one of the balls.  To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow
swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"  "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball.

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.  He ordered a drink and the
monkey started running around the bar.   The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.
 He grabbed it, pushed it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again pushed it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.  "He will eat anything, but ever since he had
to **** out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

 

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