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Author Topic: Jokes...  (Read 1020 times)

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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #60 on: March 05, 2013, 06:31:42 am »
Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #61 on: March 13, 2013, 01:19:22 pm »
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'



Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'



Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Believe in Yourself
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #62 on: March 13, 2013, 02:13:56 pm »
Hahaha. All of them were great, but the Mirror was the best of the bunch. Hahahahahaha.
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #63 on: July 10, 2013, 10:48:55 am »
What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Believe in Yourself
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #64 on: July 10, 2013, 08:16:03 pm »
Haha.
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #65 on: August 16, 2013, 07:30:06 am »
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that sheit.

Never mind.
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #66 on: October 15, 2013, 10:35:52 am »
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN
RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Meg
was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The
next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it
was her husband on the other end. "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like
your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a
bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff.

Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said,  "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #67 on: October 15, 2013, 04:52:22 pm »
Hahahahahahahahahaha. Good post!
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #68 on: November 12, 2013, 09:17:12 am »
Opportune photo
Believe in Yourself
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #69 on: November 12, 2013, 10:21:54 am »
Hahahahahahahaha. What dog?!?!!!!
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #70 on: December 29, 2013, 06:36:03 pm »
A fly goes into a bar and asks: "Is that stool taken?"
Believe in Yourself
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #71 on: December 30, 2013, 10:40:30 am »
Ha. For some reason I picture Jack Benny telling that joke.
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #72 on: December 30, 2013, 12:07:14 pm »
Now THAT is sick
Believe in Yourself
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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #73 on: January 02, 2014, 11:38:09 am »
Could I borrow a newspaper?

I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can use my iPad."

I can tell you this: that fly never knew what hit it.
Believe in Yourself
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #74 on: January 03, 2014, 06:23:30 pm »
Hahahahaha.  ;D
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

 

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