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Author Topic: Jokes...  (Read 978 times)

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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #75 on: January 24, 2014, 06:02:19 am »
Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Minot, ND.
 
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.  The temperature is 32 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.  Wind chill is -59.  His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #76 on: January 24, 2014, 06:07:24 am »
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #77 on: January 31, 2014, 09:43:06 am »
Warning about e-Bay

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

I just spent $ 195 plus sales tax on a P enis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instruction said, "Do not use in sunlight."
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #78 on: January 31, 2014, 05:15:36 pm »
Hahahahahahahahaha. Good one!
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #79 on: February 10, 2014, 08:43:41 am »
Golfer

Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He
began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
 
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been
in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
 
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was
shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
 
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal
best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous
best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....
 
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.  He
saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
 
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"
 
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country
club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went
ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will
be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy
bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't
forget the hygiene care."
 
The man broke down and sobbed.
 

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just f ucking with you.  She's dead.
What'd you shoot?
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #80 on: February 10, 2014, 01:38:10 pm »
I don't know whether to laugh and cry.
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #81 on: March 05, 2014, 11:41:52 am »
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
 
"I am so sorry Pete.  I've been riddled with guilt and I now have to confess.  I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.  In fact, more than you.  I donít get it at home, but that's no excuse.  I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again".
 
The man, anguished and feeling betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his shot gun, and without a single word, shot his wife and killed her.
 
A few moments later, a second text came in:
 
"Damn Smartphone autocorrect. It's 'wifi', not 'wife'....... duh! ".
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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #82 on: March 12, 2014, 09:03:17 am »
Notice

My Dear Friend,

Your application to join our online dating agency has been REJECTED.

One of the questions we asked on the application was: 'What do you like most in a woman?'

'My dick' is not an appropriate answer.

Thank you for your interest

Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #83 on: April 15, 2014, 01:17:08 pm »
A Japanese couple is in an argument over ways to experience highly erotic sex....

 
Husband says: Sukitak. . .
 
Wife replies: Kowanini . . .
 
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo! . . .
 
Wife on her knees literally begging:  Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji! . . .
 
Husband replies angrily:  Na miaou kina tim kouji! . .      . 
And YOU just sit there, reading      this shi t as if you understand Japanese!


Unbelievable!!!
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #84 on: April 20, 2014, 04:52:15 am »
Hahahaha.

I actually had to go back and "read" it 3xs as I didn't get the joke as I thought I kept missing a vital punchline.
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #85 on: May 05, 2014, 06:34:25 am »
Some tough hombres out here!

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush
prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous.
It was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey and night of tall tales.

Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest,
toughest cowboy there is.
Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral.
It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my
bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested.
 "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot
diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me.
I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the
poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache."

Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring
the campfire coals with his pecker.
Believe in Yourself
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Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #86 on: May 06, 2014, 10:12:21 am »
Top Tips For Dating an Older Man

Unless he's rich . . . DON'T.
Want to surprise him with a homemade meal?  You can't go wrong with pudding.
Don't be surprised if his follow-up comment to asking you out for dinner is, "Cool, I'll pick you up at 3:00 P.M."
Familiarize yourself with his Buick.  One day he'll have a heart attack in the middle of a drive, and you'll have to take the wheel.
During arguments, remind him whose boss by crimping his oxygen hose.
Ask him about a minority, press "record" on your iPhone, and get ready to blackmail him for millions.
Don't be afraid to order the most expensive item on the menu . . . because he gets a 15% senior discount.
Start boning up on "NCIS".
Turn him on by whispering sweet nothings into his Miracle Ear.
Always have a barf bag in your purse for when you see him naked.
Do whatever he asks of you . . . except pulling his finger.
Don't be surprised during sex if he yells, "Who's your grandpa?!?"
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Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #87 on: May 07, 2014, 09:22:30 am »
Top Tips For Dating an Older Man


Don't be surprised during sex if he yells, "Who's your grandpa?!?"

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

Mac

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #88 on: July 20, 2014, 02:47:29 pm »
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.

Chiprocks1

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Re: Jokes...
« Reply #89 on: July 20, 2014, 08:53:51 pm »
lol
Chip's Rockin' Art
Michael Scott To Meredith: "You've slept with so many men, your starting to look like one. BOOM! Roasted! Go here.

 

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